Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
