1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize