how can u be prego again
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
