but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
