Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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