Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
