Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
