I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she peed on how many people?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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