Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
