grandma shit on top of the toilet
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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