my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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