I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
