2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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