I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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