i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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