Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Every concussion has its silver lining
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
