he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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