The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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