It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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