Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
