I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
