I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
