Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
