he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize