sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i think i have two assholes
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
