I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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