My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
