Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
