if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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