dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
