I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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