OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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