I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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