I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
