I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
