my mouth tastes like poor choices
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
