ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just puked most of my soul out..
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
