Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
