Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
