there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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