We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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