I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
