i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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