I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
