I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize