booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
