dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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