Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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