Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We named our party play list daddy issues
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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