i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
