Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it glows. i had to have it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
