just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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