First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
