I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
