Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
