11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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