Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
