saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
