On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
