Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
