My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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