at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
