thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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