I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
