if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
