I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
