Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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