Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So much rum. So many feels.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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