I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
