We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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