Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
