4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
