Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
