I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
sarcasm needs its own font
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
foreskin is a definite game changer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
