just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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